What does success look like to you?
Most people get hung up on the word success but the key part of this question is in the final two words - to you.
Recently I attended a talk at Allbright Mayfair, discussing the power of self-love and healthy relationships. One of the speakers, Sabi Kerr, brought up the topic of conditioning. A common theme across many of her clients, Kerr explained that from the moment we are born, we are shaped by outside forces (our family, friends, work, education and religious systems) making it all too easy to lose touch with our own beliefs and aspirations. The result is, at some point, we’re faced with the rude awakening that we don’t feel connected or fulfilled by where we’ve ended up.
This struck a chord with me. Not necessarily because I have lost touch with my beliefs and aspirations but rather, at how actively you need to work not to. It is virtually impossible not to be influenced by our surroundings and society however, the extent to which we let this shape our lives depends on our sense of self. The more you know yourself, your values, beliefs and dreams, the more you can forgo the well-worn path and blaze the trail that’s right for you.
As the two books highlighted this month show, it is all too easy to end up living someone else’s version of success. The only way to mitigate against this is to connect with who you are at your core and define what success means to (Future) You.
READ: Talk to Strangers
As a (now official) Londoner, the title of this book alone was enough to fill me with immediate dread when I collected my copy of our latest book club read. Unlike in Australia, where it’s common courtesy to say g’day to anyone you pass, anyone who lives in London and catches the tube will immediately laugh at the concept of striking up a conversation with a stranger, where the MO is to avoid eye contact and take up as little space as possible.
Thankfully, I’m long past judging books by their covers (or titles) and, while I never would have picked this read for myself, that didn’t stop me tearing through it.
Based on the true story of Yes Theory, Matt Dahlia recounts how he met his three co-founders and shot to success on YouTube and Snapchat. With cameos from Liz Murdoch and Will Smith, the book gives ‘frat bros’ vibes at times, however it touches on some meaningful messages.
Yes Theory is built on the belief that ‘life's greatest moments and deepest connections exist outside of your comfort zone’. While their videos take this to the extreme, it’s an important reminder to seek discomfort as a channel for growth.
Then there is the ripple effect. At one point Dahlia meets Ryan Esteban, his original inspiration for becoming an entrepreneur. After admitting this to him, Esteban responds “...you never know who’s watching or taking action based on what you make. It’s the best part about going for it… That ripple effect.” Later, Dahlia receives an email from an old friend who shares that the more she watched the Yes Theory unapologetically chase their dreams, the more she considered chasing her own. And so, the ripple effect continues: you never know who’s watching, but by taking action, no matter how small, you can inspire others and create subsequent impact.
However, the most poignant part of Talk to Strangers was when Dhalia spoke about success. How easy it is to end up living a ‘successful’ life only to realise that you’re actually living someone else’s dream. As Dhalia realises “I had never stopped to ask myself that most important question, “What do you want?”
A crucial life lesson, it’s an all too common scenario. What looks like ‘success’ from the outside is sadly not fulfilling on the inside. Back in October, I read Erin Deering’s memoir. The multi-millionaire co-founder of Triangl Swimwear shared a similar story of her struggles behind the scenes.
The moral of the stor(ies) is to make sure you define what success means to you. Before you wake up one day and realise you’re living someone else’s definition of it.
DO TRY THIS AT HOME: Make it obvious
Anyone who has tried to form a new habit (or break an old one) will know just how torturous it can be. Especially if you rely on willpower alone. It’s easy to start when your resolution is still strong, but at some point, it wanes and you’re left desperately trying to motivate yourself to do or not do the thing.
While there are many strategies for habit forming or breaking, two of the best I’ve come across are making it obvious and removing the decision.
The first addresses the ‘out of sight out of mind’ pitfall. By making it obvious, and removing the need to rely on your memory, it’s one less barrier to success. I’ve found this particularly successful in terms of implementing a new habit. To take a new supplement, I leave it on the counter. To stay out of bed at 6am, I leave my robe and books in the living room where my alarm is.
As the name suggests, the second aims to eliminate the need to decide at all. With various research showing the average adult makes up to 35,000 decisions per day, the more you can remove, or automate, the less room for failure. This is why people often find it easier to not drink at all rather than having a glass or two. For me, this looks like closing the bedroom door behind me as I go to turn off my alarm in the living room. By slamming the metaphorical (or physical) door we no longer need to rely on willpower to make the best choice.
When it comes to habits, there’s a reason James Clear has become the go-to. With his book Atomic Habits selling over 15 million copies, Clear has taken a topic that eludes most of us and provided realistic and proven strategies (make it obvious) to build good habits and break bad ones. You can read my full review of his book here.
Most recently, Clear has launched an app. Atoms - the official Atomic Habits app - is designed to help you build small habits and make tiny changes that lead to big results. Based on the idea that every action is a vote towards the type of person you wish to become, Atoms helps to track your progress and milestones. A useful tool for my ever-elusive stay out of bed at 6am goal, why not download it to support your make-or-break habit?
CREATE: Word of the year
I know, I know, technically we are already a quarter of the way through the year, but as our quote this month shows, it is never too late to start over.
Not to be confused with Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, this is a concept many now favour over New Year’s resolutions, as a way to bring intention, clarity and focus toward creating positive change.
While I’m still committed to Your Best Year Yet for approaching my year ahead, this year I decided to test out having a word as well.
My word for this year is heart.
I chose it because I want to connect with my intuition more to follow my heart. While there is a lot to be said for the rational mind, it is often our heart or gut that keeps us honest when it comes to our hopes and dreams. As Anna Mackenzie points out in her recent article, so often we realise that we already know the answer, if we can just get quiet enough to hear it.
If you haven’t been having all that much luck with your resolutions, maybe a word for the (rest of the) year might be the way to go. Rather than a rigid resolution, a word offers a constant reminder to help guide your decisions and continue moving towards what you want.
Need help creating your word for the year? Mountain Modern Life has a helpful five-step process to ensure you end up with one you are committed to…unlike those resolutions!
PONDER:
“For what it’s worth... it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
That's it for this month. I hope this instalment of Future You has sparked some inspiration. If so, please do share it with a friend or colleague who could also find it useful.
I’d love to hear what success means to you or your word of the year in the comments below.
Best,
SJ