Thriving > Surviving
Life is not something to merely survive, it’s time to thrive
Have you ever been counting down the days for a month to be over? That is how I felt when March hit. The relief was palpable.
It has been a hectic start to the year, to say the least. Far from thriving, I feel like I merely survived January and February. As the unread emails in my inbox accumulated faster than I could click unsubscribe, unsurprisingly the stress weakened my immune system, sending me spiralling into a series of the cold and flu season’s finest.
We all have those times when it feels like one thing after another. Like a ride where we’re clinging on for dear life, wondering when it will stop so we can breathe a sigh of relief and relax.
But what about when that doesn’t happen? Despite my high hopes for March, it was more of the same - relentless workloads, competing demands and the nagging sense that if I could just push a bit harder, work a bit longer, or smarter, I’d be able to break the back of it. And again, the delusion that April would be different.
A breakthrough did finally come, albeit of a different kind - my belated birthday present, a long-awaited mini-break to Marrakesh. Four glorious days of no work, to relax, recharge, and read in the sun. Then the plane touched down on Sunday night and I was plunged straight back into the constant swirl of chaos.
Life.
The reality is, while we do go through ebbs and flows, busy periods and quieter times, the day when we finally feel on top of everything is not coming. But, as Oliver Burkeman made clear in Meditations for Mortals, this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Rather, by accepting that the perfect time is never coming, we can stop delaying our ideal life to an imagined future and start thriving in the here and now.
WATCH: Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy
I know, I know, it came out over a month ago… 40 days if we want to be exact. I should know because I was so excited, I booked to see it the day it came to cinemas in the UK. Call me tragic, but I’m quite sure Bridget would appreciate this level of desperation - sorry, dedication.
I’m relieved to report that it did not disappoint. Which was a very real possibility when the last film was released nine years ago. In fact, it’s some kind of movie miracle that the cast has remained intact across the 24 years since Renée Zellweger first sang her way onto screens as Bridget Jones in 2001.
And while the fourth and final film features all these actors at their finest (especially Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson), it is a bittersweet finale. There are no fairytale endings for our heroine - she may have married Mr Darcy and started a family of her own - but far from happily ever after, Bridget has been a widow for the past four years. This is exactly what makes Bridget Jones so relatable, she lives in the real world like the rest of us. Where humans are flawed and sh*t happens.
I’m not going to summarise the film (no spoilers here) however, it does come with my highest recommendation - I’ll be going to see it again while it’s still in cinemas and suggest you do too (with tissues at the ready).
I do want to share one of my favourite scenes though: a photo of Bridget with her Dad on his deathbed triggers the memory of their conversation at that moment:
But as my dad said just before he died, the big question is…Can you survive?
Bridget: I think so. I have to. I’m trying.
Colin: It’s not enough to survive. You’ve got to live.
Regardless of whether the Dalai Lama or Harry Styles said it, the message is clear: no matter what you’re dealing with, it’s time to live.
If Bridget Jones can do it, so can you.
ABOVE ALL ELSE: Prioritise your relationships
I don’t know about you, but when I’m treading water in a sea of stress trying to stay afloat, I tend to retreat from the world. Lacking time, energy and any kind of mindset worth sharing, the last thing I feel like doing is being social.
BUT (you knew it was coming), this approach doesn’t help anything. Actually, it only makes things worse - leaving us feeling isolated, disconnected and with one extra thing to worry about.
A valid worry, too. The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the world’s longest-running research on well-being. Launched 85 years ago, it has tracked thousands of people, studying which factors have the greatest contribution to living happier and longer lives. And the results are definitive. The single most important predictor of a long and fulfilling life is the quality of our relationships.
Forget biohacking, or how much money you earn. If you want to improve the quality and quantity of your time on earth, focus on cultivating and sustaining meaningful connections.
The key here is meaningful connections. We often take our relationships (of all kinds) for granted, assuming they happen naturally. While this can be the case, building meaningful connections is an active skill that requires intention, time and focus.
But what if you’re an introvert who recharges by spending time alone (asking for a friend, of course)? How can our relationships play such an integral part in supporting our health, happiness and longevity? The answer, according to the study’s director Robert Waldinger, lies in the power of relationships to help us manage stress which, in turn, protects our health.
As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. Stress may be unavoidable, but the simple act of having someone to talk to helps lighten the load. So next time you feel you’re in survival mode, put your health and happiness - i.e. your relationships - first.
IMPLEMENT: Best-case scenario
The older I get, the further away I feel from the optimism of my youth. While, blindly hoping for the best, may have worked when I was more naive, these days the realist in me is having none of that.
As an overthinker whose logical brain is usually on overdrive, I’ve accepted my fate as a realist. Where I draw the line is being a realist in a resigned or pessimistic way. And, honestly, this isn’t easy for me. I often find my mind defaults to the negative, seeing the glass as half-empty before I catch it and challenge it back to half-full.
As humans, our brains are wired to focus on the negative. A trait that was much more useful when we were under constant threat of survival, while being aware of potential dangers or pitfalls isn’t a bad thing, expecting the worst does you no favours. So much of what we worry about never happens, leaving us suffering in advance for no reason.
But, instead of imagining the worst and bracing for failure, we can choose to focus on the equally likely outcome: success. One of the more profound things I read last year was poet Maggie Smith’s Pep Talk on this topic. So the…
“Next time you’re tempted to expect the worst, or to give up on an idea before you even get going, I hope you’ll remember: At least as many things could go right as could go wrong.
What if it all works out?”
WORD OF THE MONTH: No
Adverb. Used to give negative answers.
When we’re surviving, it’s tempting to feel like we should be doing more. As I mentioned in my opening example, the tendency is to think that if we push harder or work longer we will finally conquer the mountain. But piling things on top, as well-intentioned as they may be (now is not the time to test out a new productivity hack), only adds to the pressure.
Rarely do we thrive by doing more. It’s only by looking at what we can remove, that we start to free up time and space to prioritise the essential things that truly make a difference.
Don’t take my word for it though, there are far older and wiser people proclaiming the power of a well-placed ‘no’.
Matthew McConaughey regularly talks about his decision to shut down his production company and music label. When he stopped trying to juggle everything, he went from making C+s in everything to making As in the three most important areas: his charity, family and as an actor for hire.
Greg McKeown has built his life’s work on championing saying ‘no’ to what’s inessential so you can focus your limited time and resources on what is essential.
Tim Ferriss feels so strongly about the word ‘no’ that his first book in seven years is tentatively titled THE NO BOOK. A blueprint for how to get everything you want by saying no to everything you don’t, as Ferriss points out, the path to the good life is “paved with the word no.”
They may have lived in the ancient world, but even the Stoics understood the importance of protecting your time. As Seneca said “No person hands out their money to passers-by, but to how many do each of us hand out our lives! We’re tight-fisted with property and money, yet think too little of wasting time, the one thing about which we should all be the toughest misers.”
And, perhaps my favourite of all, as Anne Lamott so accurately summarised - no is a complete sentence.
As we head into Q2, what can you say no to each day/week/month to give yourself the space and time to thrive?
PONDER:
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” - Maya Angelou
I hope this instalment of Future You has sparked some inspiration. If so, please do share it with a friend or colleague who could also find it useful.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this month’s topic. Let me know in the comments how you make the most of life to ensure you don’t just survive but thrive.
Best,
SJ
Such a timely post for me as some of these things have been rumbling around in my mind the past few days. Thank you for this helpful little nudge in the glass half full direction 😅
I appreciate how you, SJ, engage the reader by expressing thoughts in such a genuine and resonant way, as if you can read their mind, daily agenda, and existential challenges. Just so you know, many of us feel the same way, and it’s reassuring to know we’re not alone. As always, I appreciate your sharing and am curious to hear what has been keeping you interested and excited in your journey lately.