Free will
You have more power than you think
There are many things my fiancé and I agree on, but what to watch on TV isn’t one of them. Which is why, when he announced last Sunday night that he had picked a movie we could both enjoy, I was sceptical, to say the least. I took one look at the title - The Adjustment Bureau and Matt Damon’s face looming on the screen surrounded by a bunch of men in overcoats and hats - and immediately knew this was not for me.
However, I didn’t have the energy for another TV-related argument, so I settled in, resigning myself to enduring two hours of sci-fi I would never get back. Thankfully, I was wrong. With many redeeming features (namely Emily Blunt), The Adjustment Bureau is, at its core, a story about love, life and the choices we make.
A thought-provoking exploration of the concept of fate and our lives being part of a greater plan, it begs the question of whether we fall into line and accept when things don’t turn out as we hoped, or consciously choose to pursue them, despite all the obstacles we face along the way.
While the movie may take place in an alternate reality, it reminded me of a common phenomenon in our own society. We say that we can’t do things when that’s often not the truth. We have much more freedom of choice than we tell ourselves.
Life is a series of trade-offs. And what is usually at play here is that we aren’t willing to face the consequences that come with the choices available to us. In reality, very few of us are truly trapped in situations that are making us miserable. As my Mum once said to me, we always have a choice.
As the characters in The Adjustment Bureau discovered, if you’re willing to make hard choices, it is never too late to change your life.
CHOOSE: Yourself
A few weeks ago, I was on a call with a female consultant based in Croatia. Recalling how she had stepped out of corporate after suffering from burnout, her story was one I’d heard all too often. But then she said something that has stuck with me ever since - the hard part wasn’t resigning, it was accepting the fact that other people might not understand or would be disappointed.
Faced with the choice of letting down others or allowing her health to decline even further, she knew what she had to do.
One of my biggest takeaways from Glennon Doyle’s Untamed is to not abandon yourself. In a world that raises and rewards people pleasers, honouring yourself and what’s best for you is no easy feat.
But it’s the most important commitment you will ever make. No one is coming to save you, so you have to get active in your own rescue. This means militantly being on your own side. Or, in Glennon’s words, “I trust myself to have my own back, so my allegiance is to the voice within. I’ll abandon everyone else’s expectations of me before I’ll abandon myself. I’ll disappoint everyone else before I’ll disappoint myself. I’ll forsake all others before I’ll forsake myself. Me and myself: We are till death do us part.”
PROTECT: Your resources
I’ve had a very stressful few months at work. When I mentioned this to the woman who does my nails, she looked at me and said, “It’s just work”. Not the most satisfying response - however, she is not wrong!
Despite my best attempts, when I look back at the past three months, I see how much I have let that stress consume me. Spilling over into my personal life and detracting from what, otherwise, should have been a joyful time celebrating my engagement.
But engagement or no engagement, the real problem here is losing perspective, and it’s much more widespread than me!
All of us have the same limitations when it comes to our finite resources - our attention, energy and time. There are only so many minutes in the day, and none of us has an endless supply of energy. Rather than lamenting this reality, the best we can do is accept it and direct our limited resources towards what is truly important.
Easier said than done, in practice, this comes down to knowing what matters to you and making time for it. Or, keeping things in perspective and prioritising intentionally. A constant balancing act, I may have had to work every day, but nothing was stopping me from going for a walk at lunchtime or waking up early to start my day calmly and join my writing group.
The nail appointment reminder wasn’t profound, but it was true. There is a D.L. Moody quote that haunts me: “Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter.”
Or, as my nail technician put it: “It’s just work.”
TRANSFORM: ‘have’ to into ‘get’ to
It’s scary how much of our lives we take for granted. Lured into a false sense of security, we assume we will always have the opportunities and relationships readily available to us.
When we stop and think about it, we know this isn’t true. Our time here is not guaranteed. Tragedies can and do happen. It’s sobering to imagine how it would feel if you knew each moment was your ‘last’ - the last time you would say goodbye to your partner, hug your children, go for a walk in the park, exercise, sit down to write…
And while this may not be a practicable or sustainable way to live each day, it is an important reminder not to take things for granted. All too often, we fall into the trap of telling ourselves we ‘have’ to do things. I have to wash my hair, I have to exercise, I have to write Future You.
In reality, there is very little we ‘have’ to do, and most of our choices and commitments are things we ‘get’ to do. I’m not going to lie, the shift from ‘have to’ into ‘get to’ is almost annoying in its simplicity, but it works. Helping to highlight that we are lucky to have hair to wash in the first place, the ability to exercise or, in my situation today, that no one is forcing me to sit down and write Future You - it’s something I actively choose and want to do.
WHY DON’T YOU TRY: No obligations
Speaking of actively choosing to do something, this is one of the biggest lessons Kabbalah has taught me so far.
As it turns out, not all giving is generous. While we are encouraged to strive for a state of sharing, rather than receiving, the place from which we act is equally important. True giving means giving unconditionally - expecting nothing in return.
This may not sound revolutionary, but think of all the times you have given from a place of responsibility, guilt, to feel good about yourself or to keep the peace. Kabbalah teaches that when we give from any of these places, we’re not actually giving - we’re taking.
This is where it gets interesting. Sometimes the sharing action is to say no. Especially if it involves giving from a place of obligation or leaves you feeling resentful.
The next time you find yourself thinking you ‘have to’ do something for someone else or ‘can’t’ possibly say no, stop and bring awareness to your intention. Are you giving from the right place? Or out of obligation? Having tested this over the last few months, I can confirm that no obligation = no resentment.
PONDER:
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” - Alice Walker
“For what it’s worth... it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
I hope this instalment of Future You has sparked some inspiration. If so, please do share it with a friend or colleague who could also find it useful.
The F. Scott Fitzgerald quote above is my favourite reminder of the power we have to make choices and changes. I’ll leave you with a question from a recent Kabbalah session I attended: What area of your life needs healing? What can you no longer accept? And what is one thing you can commit to this month to start making that shift?
SJ