For a long time, I thought the meaning of life was to live it to the fullest. A concept I equated with an Ella Wheeler Wilcox quote some poor unsuspecting soul imparted to me “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.”
Seemed like a no-brainer really.
Not wanting to cry alone, I careened from one work hard, play harder week to the next. From Margarita Mondays in Melbourne to Wine not Wednesdays in London - the bigger pond I was seeking only exacerbated my party girl persona. A spinning top, wind her up and watch her go.
She was everything I didn’t feel at the time. Confident, fun, seemingly carefree, the life of the party.
However, every party must eventually end.
I can pinpoint the moment my hangovers went from manageable to unbearable. The day I turned 29, it was as though a switch flicked.
What had previously propelled me away from my problems, now caused them. As tantalising as the lingering promise of carefree, uninhibited fun is, the reality is very different. At some point, you realise that the escape has become the entry into pain, suffering and anxiety.
While I can’t say I am proud of this version of myself, I do have compassion for her. I look back now and realise how lost I was, although technically an adult, it took me until my 30s to identify as one.
After almost a decade of saying yes to life without a moment’s hesitation, and all the experiences I grabbed with both hands, I was exhausted. Far from creating meaning, cramming my calendar full of social plans had left me adrift, out of touch with who I was at my core and any real sense of purpose.
Like an aeroplane breaking through the clouds to a brilliant blue sky, I began to see things more clearly as I slowed down. Despite my best attempts to delude myself otherwise, partying is not a personality.
But what did this leave me with?
As someone who needs to understand the ‘why’ - the point of it all - if this wasn’t the way to live, I desperately needed to figure out what was.
And so began my next chapter and the journey I have been on ever since. Committed to evolving, four years later I created Future You.
The fact is, none of us have a guaranteed amount of time on earth. While we may like to believe that, because our grandma is still winning bingo at 96, that means we will be too, life doesn’t work like that.
And while this can be a confronting realisation, it can also be very liberating.
Many of us have grown up being encouraged to map out our lives. But not knowing how much time we have, makes this a futile exercise. That’s not to say you shouldn’t have dreams and goals. Rather, it demands you to narrow the scope. Stop planning for some distant day that may never come and do what you can in the here and now.
But what does that actually mean?
How can we balance the need to make the most of the present moment with our longer-term ambitions?
In all my years of active growth - the reading, thinking and writing I have done in pursuit of both my best self and the meaning of life - so far I have come across three essential elements.
You can only control yourself
Another uncomfortable truth (this article is not for the faint-hearted) is there is very little that you can control in life.
Don’t believe me? Make a list of everything outside your control and another for everything inside your control. Need some help? Some things outside your control include the weather, how and when you die, how long your family lives, other people’s behaviour, opinions…anything to do with other people…
Now, looking at the list of what’s inside your control, I’m guessing they all relate to…you. Your behaviour, actions, how you perceive things and choose to respond. As I was saying, the only thing in life you can control is yourself.
You could be kidnapped or thrown in jail tomorrow, but you would still have control over your mind. This is truly the only area that is inside your control up until you take your final breath.
But don’t be dismayed! This is a positive for two reasons. Firstly, cross out all the things outside your control and feel the weight lift as you release the need to worry about them. You’re off the hook - you are powerless over them anyway. Secondly, having control over yourself is all the power that you need.
Be the best you, you can be
If you can only control yourself, doesn’t it make sense to be the best version you can be?
The Stoics have a school of thought that who you are and what you believe in isn’t conveyed by your words, but by your character and actions. As Epictetus said, “…show us the changes in your reasoned choices, just like the shoulders of gymnasts display their diet and training.”
This is the philosophy that Future You was born from. Doing your best. Which means working towards the best version of yourself every day, knowing full well there is no destination, just the journey. That the only way to leave any worthwhile legacy is to live a life you’re proud of.
Let me say that again. The only person you need to make proud is yourself.
Not your parents, not your partner, not your 96-year-old grandma, your toddler or your Pomeranian.
Just yourself.
Up until two months ago, it really bothered me that my partner was not as supportive as I would have liked him to be with my writing. I felt I needed him to believe in me. At some point, I realised it wasn’t the external validation I needed at all. Actually, I needed to believe in myself.
One of my favourite reminders comes from Kristin McGee’s Peloton Yoga classes, which she often closes by saying “Everything you could possibly ever want, have, or need, is right here inside of you.”
That’s the good news. It’s all already there inside of you. You just have to commit to a growth mindset to uncover what you are capable of if you pursue your full potential.
Minimise your regrets
Have you heard the one about hell?
According to Dan Sullivan’s book, Who not How, it’s where “...the person you became meets the person you could have become.”
Last month, my partner was watching an interview from 2001 where Jeff Bezos spoke about founding Amazon. Having recently been musing on the idea that life is about minimising your regrets myself, one part in particular caught my attention. Regret Minimisation Framework, Jeff called it. Admitting that ‘only a nerd’ would call it this, regardless of how you want to frame it, the thinking is the same.
Project yourself forward to the end of your life. For the sake of this exercise, let’s assume you are one of the lucky ones who make it to age 80. Looking back on your life, the aim is to have as few regrets as possible.
As Jeff explains so eloquently “I knew that when I was 80 I was not going to regret having tried this…I knew that if I failed I wouldn’t regret that. But I knew the one thing I might regret is not ever having tried and I knew that would haunt me every day.”
When you live life through this lens, it allows you to zoom out and remove yourself from some of the present emotions and shorter-term confusion. It is all too easy to become victims of our limited mindset. Because we don’t know the exact way things will unfold, we fear change. We focus on all the things that could go wrong - not stopping to think about what could go right.
But, thinking about the longer term and what you will regret more - trying and failing or never having tried - allows you to make better life decisions that you won’t regret later.
Poet Maggie Smith put it so beautifully in her recent Substack post, Pep Talk: “Next time you’re tempted to expect the worst, or to give up on an idea before you even get going, I hope you’ll remember: At least as many things could go right as could go wrong.
What if it all works out?”
Back to the meaning of life.
The more you think (read and write) about it, the more you begin to realise it really isn’t as multifaceted and mysterious as we often make it out to be. Actually, like many things, the beauty is in the simplicity.
So, accept and release the things that are outside your control.
Seek out the best version of yourself that you can be.
And minimise the number of ‘what ifs’ you accumulate along the way.
That way, when the time comes to take your final breath, you will be greeted by a version of yourself not too dissimilar to the one you have already become.
A beautiful read and it reminds me of that great Viktor Frankl quote "the meaning of life is to give life meaning" <3
Sometimes I think I'm fooling myself. But you are right. What if it all works out? Developing a growth mindset is key.
Loved reading your post.