Edition 19

The two types of fear and four strategies to tackle it

What do flying, rodents and home invasions have in common? 

They all feature high on my list of fears. 

Thankfully, the one I encounter the most frequently in my day-to-day life is flying. 

I often joke that my worst career choice would be a flight attendant. But, far from a joke, the only ‘funny’ part of the situation is the sense of irony that someone who lives almost 17,000 km from their family can be so scared of flying.

You’d think the fact I am on a plane multiple times each month would help. And for a while it did. After moving to London I was flying so frequently that I managed to ease my fear. This was partially because I didn’t have the time or energy to go through my rollercoaster of anxiety each fortnight, and partially because the frequency allowed me to lean into the excitement of travelling and appreciate the beauty of being above the clouds. 

Sadly it all came crashing down last November. Not literally - although that was my immediate thought when we dropped suddenly during our descent on a particularly small plane, sending it careening to the side. 20 minutes of ugly crying later, I practically kissed the ground after disembarking. 

Classed as ‘medium’ turbulence, thankfully an ear operation kept me grounded until January, when it was time to reface my fear. 

Since then, I have boarded (and survived) 14 flights, most recently to and from Miami this month, when our departing flight was two hours late due to an overheated plane. Anxiety at an all-time high, I immediately turned to Google to verify this, stumbling across a Reddit thread from some poor similar soul who had turned to the internet to help calm their concerns when faced with the same situation.

That’s the thing about fear, it thrives on the fact that we often feel alone in our unease when in reality, fear is hardwired into us as humans with many of us sharing similar concerns. 

Designed to protect us, none of us get to opt out of fear. The best we can do is to learn to live with it. Acknowledge it, question it, but most importantly not let it limit us. 

As challenging as flying may be for me at times, it’s the only way I can see the world (and my family) which is why I keep reminding myself to feel the fear and do it anyway.

This month I’m sharing some strategies and resources that help me to keep doing just that.

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The two types of fear

Let me start by saying that I’ve really put myself on the line for this month’s Future You!

Not only did I catch two long-haul flights (those 10 days in Miami were well-deserved) but last weekend I also went to a painting class.

Before I lose you completely, this is relevant because it helped me to realise that there are two types of fear. 

The first is physical fear. With fear’s natural purpose to keep us safe, it is understandable that situations involving physical danger - perceived or real - trigger this response. 

For me, flying and home invasions fall into this category because I worry these things could kill me. This feels like a good time to remind us all that fear isn’t always rational.

The second type relates to the ego. While we’re not putting ourselves in physical danger, we’re still outside our comfort zone or entering an unknown situation. It’s this uncertainty that triggers the same fear response, as it tries to protect us from being uncomfortable or exposed. 

Hence the painting course, while it’s unlikely I will drown in paint, my fear threw up a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t go as it tried to protect me from embarrassing myself by not being good at it. Other examples include (but are not limited to): public speaking, playing tennis and air kiss greetings.

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Four strategies for tackling fear

Acknowledge it

I know, I know, how could you not, but like the proverbial elephant in the room, no one likes to go unnoticed. 

The best way I’ve found to do this is to get your fears down on paper. While this may sound slightly counterintuitive - Why would I want to have a list of things I’m scared of - the answer is two-fold. Firstly, as with any problem, you can’t address it until you acknowledge it and secondly, it’s highly likely you’re not as clear on your fear as you think you are.

If you’re struggling to list your fears, you can use an exercise

Elizabeth Gilbert

shared at her Big Magic workshop that I attended earlier this year, where she had us all write a letter to ourselves from fear. Starting with the opening, Dear [insert your name here], I am your fear and this is what I want to tell you. I am afraid… set a time for five minutes and off you go.

While some of the fears that come up may feel confronting, I usually find there is also a weight lifted by simply getting them out of your head and onto the page. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved, even if it’s just with yourself.

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Explore it

Now that we’ve acknowledged our fears, it’s time to explore them. This is less about the fear itself - which usually makes itself known via a visceral reaction - and more about the narrative and limiting beliefs that accompany it.

I did this exercise this week, as part of a creative joy challenge my writing community is hosting over the summer. The main question to ask yourself at this stage is where this voice is coming from. Think of this as an interrogation and really go to town to uncover the root cause of this unhelpful narrative or belief. Maybe it comes from a childhood experience or is not your voice at all but is something you were told by someone else.

Going back to my painting class, my limiting beliefs were around perfectionism with a lot of excuses from fear, ultimately trying to protect me from exposing myself to discomfort in an unknown situation and that I wouldn’t be good at whatever I was going to try.

Interestingly, while I was exploring the latter, a memory popped into my mind from when I changed high schools mid-year nine. I remember the fear I felt going to that first day of term two and how unsure I was, my mind in overdrive about all the ways I might embarrass myself or not fit in…

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Reframe it

Enough wallowing, it’s time to flip the script.

This is the fun part that I always find empowering. Taking that unhelpful, nervous, fearful, negative or maybe even mean, voice and turning it into something useful. 

The best and most long-lasting success I’ve had with this was using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). A form of psychotherapy, CBT involves understanding the root cause of unhelpful thoughts or feelings and challenging them to alter unwanted behaviour patterns. Essentially, it encourages us to stick to the facts, rather than getting swept away by the narrative in our mind.

I highly recommend Seth J Gillihan’s book Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in 7 Weeks as an excellent resource to practise CBT. I stumbled across this book back in 2017. Having just met my partner, I was struggling with my deeply ingrained trust issues. Not wanting to project these onto him and drag the past into a new relationship, I diligently worked through the seven-week framework. Seven years later, I can safely say it was a lasting change. So much so that recently I’ve been tempted to reread it in the hope it will work the same wonders on my fear of flying.

If books aren’t your thing, or you’re after a quick win, many other strategies can help you apply the same principles. Brené Brown suggests using the phrase: The story I’m telling myself… as a way to challenge and reality-check the narrative we’re feeding ourselves.

Similarly, we can reframe an emotion. While anxiety and excitement might feel worlds apart, they have a similar effect on the body, meaning we can ‘trick’ our brains into viewing the situation as an opportunity rather than a threat. Next time you feel anxious try saying I am excited instead and see what happens.

Arguably the original source, the Stoics have a lot to say about reframing unhelpful thoughts. When it comes to fear, I’ve found the wisdom below to be the most helpful reminders:

• Don’t suffer in advance. Most of the things we worry about never happen (touch wood - my fear of flying) and, if they do, in the words of Seneca: “You will suffer soon enough, when it arrives.”

• Focus on what you can control. Save your energy, effort and emotions for what you can control. I am powerless over many aspects of flying but I can control what I do on the plane (a lot of breathing, meditation and distracting myself with funny in-flight entertainment).

• All of this has happened before. And will happen again. Nothing like a strong dose of perspective from a Roman Emperor to help you zoom out. A powerful reminder from Marcus Aurelius that our challenges are not unique - the things we’re worried about are the things people have always worried about.

Regardless of which approach you take, the key is to find a strategy that supports you when it comes to catching and challenging or reframing unhelpful thoughts. Bonus points if you want to create a nickname for your negative voice - Regina George anyone?

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Take action

It’s no surprise that we were inevitably going to end up here. While there’s a lot we can do mentally to work through our fears, ultimately we have to face them.

When it comes to action, it’s less about what we choose to do and more about taking a step towards our fear. Progress over perfection and all that.

One of my all-time favourite fear-fighting exercises comes from the Queen of Creativity, aka Elizabeth Gilbert. 

From her book Big Magic, the exercise involves writing a letter to fear. In her example, Elizabeth invites fear on a road trip, sharing some strong boundaries for its involvement. Beautifully written, I won’t butcher it by paraphrasing, but you can watch/listen to it below.

Regardless of whether you’re embarking on a new creative project or not, I have done this exercise multiple times and always find it helps to tame my fears.

Tim Ferriss’ ‘fear setting’ is another good place to start. In the same way that you may approach goal setting each month or year, this involves setting aside time to plan for your fears. By considering the worst-case scenario, you give yourself the chance to plan for how you could prevent or respond to it. My old school friend and fellow writer

Anna Mackenzie

published an excellent piece on exactly this last week.

Exercises aside, sometimes a more practical approach is called for. 

They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone. I’m not sure about that, but I am certain that’s where growth begins. 

No need to dive into the deep end here. The trick is to continually challenge yourself to do things slightly beyond your comfort zone to ensure you keep evolving and show yourself that you can do hard things.

A good way to encourage yourself to step into the unknown is to remove any expectations. No one is good at everything and, actually, there’s no need for us to be. It’s amazing how fear can dissipate by removing any focus on outcomes and allowing yourself to try something purely because you want to.

In the end, the only reason I went to the painting class was because I adopted a ‘whatever’ attitude. I removed all expectations and pressure, reminding myself it didn’t need to look like anything - I didn’t even have to take the canvas home with me. I was purely going for the experience. 

Maybe I would enjoy it. Maybe I wouldn’t. But I would never know unless I tried it. And, by not pushing through these blocks and self-imposed limits, I was doing myself a major disservice. Who knows, maybe I was meant to be the next Monet!

Turns out I am very much not the next Monet and it was probably for the best I had chosen an abstract class as I wasn’t very good at all. However, that didn’t matter. It was less about the painting and more about the sense of pride I felt for giving myself permission to get outside my comfort zone and try something new. 

Interestingly, in the process of discovering I do not have a hidden talent for painting, it made me feel grateful for the skills I do have when it comes to writing - a reminder I’d happily trade two hours and £35 for again.

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Ninfee 1914-1917, Claude Monet

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PONDER: 

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” - Robin Sharma 

“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” - Roy T. Bennett

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That’s it for this month. It was a lengthy one, but fear is a big topic and, after six months of corralling my thoughts into something coherent, I wanted to do it justice. I hope this instalment of Future You has sparked some inspiration. If so, please do share it with a friend or colleague who could also find it useful.

If you test out any of the strategies I’d love to hear how they go. Likewise, if you have any other resources to add to this list please share them in the comments below.

Meanwhile, I’ll be back on a plane next week, no doubt doing my box breathing and quite possibly rereading Retrain Your Brain. What’s the worst that could happen?

Best,

SJ