Communicating for connection
Enough with the small talk
On Monday 4th March this year, after pledging my allegiance to His Majesty the King, I officially became a UK citizen. Exactly nine years (and one day) from when I first lobbed into London Heathrow on a cold, grey March morning in 2015. I remember assuring my friends and family that I’d be back before they knew it - my exact words were “I probably won’t last a year”. The world works in mysterious ways.
Recently, I did an exercise which involved writing your ‘memoir’ - one or two sentences for every year of your life. While I didn’t have much to say for my first few years, the trend was clear from four onwards. Family, friends, boyfriends - the first sentences that had popped into my head were largely around relationships. What’s more, across all the highs and lows, the state of my relationships had the biggest impact on my overall happiness or lack thereof.
As I approach 10 years of living on the other side of the world from my family and long-term friends, feeling disconnected seems almost inevitable. Something I have been struggling with all year, I am pleased to share, that while time and distance (whether physical or emotional) can make connecting more challenging, they are not mutually exclusive events.
Regardless of where you live in relation to your friends and family, the bigger issue is that many of us go through life at a surface level. However, you’ll never form deeper bonds by talking about the weather. Research shows it is vulnerability that builds trust and cultivates connection. Something my own experience confirmed, it was moving beyond small talk to ask deeper questions and be honest about my challenges, that allowed me to rekindle more meaningful connections.
This month, I’m sharing some of my favourite resources, strategies, and ideas that have helped me communicate for connection—no small talk in sight.
READ: Supercommunicators
That feeling when we ‘click’ with someone, that we are on the same page and feel heard, seen, understood. So treasured, that our brains have actually evolved to crave this connection known as neural entrainment. But it’s equally elusive. As the playwright George Bernard Shaw pointed out “The single biggest problem with communication, is the illusion it has taken place.”
The good news is that communication is not some magical talent we either possess or don’t, it’s a set of skills that anyone can learn. Enter Charles Duhigg’s Supercommunicators.
As engaging as it is insightful (not always easy to pull off with self-development books), Supercommunicators is packed full of incredible stories that help bring the concepts to life. From FBI agents and Doctors to Jury panels and the unique culture at Netflix, the message is clear - communication is central to everything we do in life and “to communicate with someone, we must connect with them.”
I couldn’t possibly do justice to distilling all the wisdom in Supercommunicators (although Journey Further Book Club has some great key takeaways). As Duhigg says “To become a supercommunicator, all we need to do is listen closely to what’s said and unsaid, ask the right questions, recognize and match others’ moods, and make our own feelings easy for others to perceive.” Cleary easier said than done!
But central to this is the revelation (for me at least) that there are actually three different kinds of conversations:
Practical decision-making: What’s this really about?
Emotional: How do we feel?
Identity: Who are we?
Each requires a different type of mindset and mental processing, with miscommunication often occurring when people are having different kinds of conversations. Which is exactly why we all need this book.
Aside from all the intricacies that come with conversations, there are many practical ways we can set ourselves up for success. One of my preferred strategies is preparing for a conversation. While often reserved for important work meetings, extending this into personal relationships can make for fewer awkward pauses and more meaningful chats. Even if you don’t talk about these topics, you have them there to fall back on - boosting confidence with the added bonus of reducing those moments when you walk away only to realise you forgot to mention something important!
A crucial life skill for us all, I highly recommend reading or gifting (hint hint) Supercommunicators.
WATCH: Inside Out 2
A sucker for animation, I loved Inside Out so much, that when the sequel was released earlier this year it immediately went on my ‘to watch’ list. I finally sat down to watch it last month and loved it…a few weeks later, I realised I had rewatched the first one!
Mildly concerned for my longer-term memory (I guess that orb ended up in Memory Dump), this month I successfully watched the sequel.
Inside Out is the epitome of everything I appreciate about animation. Far from childish, it’s much harder to make something simple than it is to make it complex. And what could be more complex than the inner workings of our brain, emotions and relationships?
And yet, Disney manages to bring these to life. Emotions are characters running our headquarters, memories become orbs sent off to be stored in our long-term memory library and our personality is made up of islands. There’s even a stream (of consciousness) and sar-chasm, where everything that’s said sounds very different by the time it reaches the other side.
With Riley now a teenager in Inside Out 2, in addition to the original gang - Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust - we’re introduced to Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy and Ennui - French for existential boredom or dissatisfaction with life.
A creative exploration of what it means to be human, my favourite part of both movies is when they flip between the characters ‘headquarters’ showing how the emotions choose to interpret and respond to each other. A playful glimpse into how we interact, on a deeper level it highlights how easy miscommunication and disconnection can be.
The moral of the movie(s)? We all experience the same emotions and feelings. Recognising this and trying to meet others where they are is our best chance at connection.
WHY DON’T YOU TRY:
The other handle
This month I had the chance to see Ryan Holiday speak in London. Having embraced Stoicism through his work for 10+ years now, it was exciting to engage with it in person versus via a book or device. Worth it alone to capture the quote “We can get better at shutting the f*** up”, this comes back to the Stoic concept that we don’t have to have an opinion.
Quite the revelation for me when I first heard it at the start of last year, not only can it be freeing not to ‘have’ to have an opinion on every.single.thing. It can also do wonders for our relationships.
While technically it came from his Melbourne talk, another invaluable piece of Stoic wisdom when it comes to relationships is to choose to focus on the common ground or connection rather than the differences. As Epictetus said “Every event has two handles: one by which it can be carried, and one by which it can’t. If your brother does you wrong, don’t grab it by his wronging, because this is the handle incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other—that he is your brother, that you were raised together, and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.”
Relationships are rarely easy. But they do present the opportunity to help us improve our own character. And, if we can navigate the challenges, we will be rewarded with connection. Sometimes it really is as simple as shutting the f*** up.
Ask for help
Whether it's work-related, the loss of a loved one, or general anxiety about the state of your life/the world, it’s ironic how we can be willing to listen to others' challenges, yet reluctant to share our own. This is me to a tee.
Now, more than ever, it can be easy to hide behind the highlight reel that we present to the world (aka social media). But as we discussed earlier, it is our vulnerability that connects us. We all have our challenges and, more often than not, people feel honoured when we trust them with our reality. Something I am still learning myself, it’s helpful to remember that relationships are a two-way street, it’s about time we give our friends and family the chance to support us.
There’s a beautiful passage from Coco Mellor’s book Cleopatra & Frankenstein comparing humans to the Japanese art of Kintsugi “People are like this too, you know…We break. We put ourselves back together. The cracks are the best part. You don’t have to hide them.”
Pebbling
Whether it makes you laugh or cry, these days, it’s not only entirely possible but highly probable that you have relationships in which the main source of communication is sharing memes.
Arguably more surprising, is that there’s a name for this type of communication.
‘Pebbling’ describes small acts intended to positively impact someone’s mood or remind them that you're thinking of them.
Of all places, it comes from penguins. As a sign of affection, and to help them build their nests, male Gentoo penguins, present their female mates with pebbles. Thankfully, we have adapted the concept and there’s no need to head out in search of pebbles. However, if you’ve ever picked up one from a beach, or a perfect autumn leaf, or a first spring flower and taken it home to share with someone special - you can appreciate where the penguins are coming from.
Back to the memes, pebbling can be as simple as sharing a picture, video, or piece of content that you think someone might enjoy - it truly is the thought that counts. So go forth and embrace communicating via Moo Deng content, I’m yet to meet anyone whose day isn’t brightened by the bouncy pork.
LEAVE A LEGACY: Honouring loved ones by being more like them
It is hard to make sense of the loss of a loved one. They may no longer be in pain. Or they lived a relatively good, long life. But even these condolences (which I’m guilty of falling back on myself) do little to ease the pain that they’re no longer here.
I was listening to a mental health conversation recently when they shared the most beautiful idea: honouring loved ones by being more like them.
They may no longer be physically inhabiting this world with you, but that’s no reason for their spirit not to live on.
In Dijon at dawn, on the last Friday in May, I huddled around a laptop with my parents, to watch the livestream of one of their best friend’s funeral. A friendship spanning 40+ years, and multiple countries, she had recently lost her long battle with cancer.
As the family intended, rather than a funeral this was a celebration of her life. And what a life she had lived. From Australia to Singapore and back, it was the photos and stories about what made her such a special person and the impact she’d had on so many lives, that shone through the sadness.
I remember thinking to myself, what an incredible inspiration she was. How we could all take a leaf out of her book and embrace kindness, generosity and being a source of light for those around us.
In the end, this is where we find meaning in both life and death. In the ripple effect others leave behind, and the inspiration we choose to ensure lives on. It’s also the most important question we can consider ourselves - what ripples do we want to create?
WORD OF THE MONTH: Sympatheia
The Stoic concept of an interconnected cosmos where all things in the universe are mutually dependent on each other.
While it may sound obvious, this can be easy to forget when we get caught up in our own problems and focus on the people immediately around us. But, as Marcus Aurelius said, “what’s bad for the hive, is bad for the bee.” In other words, when the world suffers, we suffer.
Sympatheia reminds us that we are all made up of the same matter and part of the same larger organism. We live on the same planet and breathe the same air. But beyond this, we also share the experience of what it means to be human - from birth to death and everything in between. Despite how different our lives can look, we all know pain and joy, hope and fear, love and heartbreak.
In other words, our similarities far outweigh any differences. Focusing on what connects us, what binds us together, helps to unify us. Or, as Marcus Aurelius so eloquently summed it up “Life is short—the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good.”
CURATED CLICKS:
This insightful article from TED on How to add new life to your relationships (even your best ones!).
Greg McKeown’s 1MW newsletter on winning hearts, not arguments.
Refinery29’s feature on five women sharing the importance of learning to reach out to their friends.
The four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse - communication styles that, according to Gottman’s research, can predict the end of a relationship.
David Perrell’s Writing Examples deconstructs what makes some of the greatest communication of all time, so compelling. I’m still inspired by the cover letter.
PONDER:
"It is the union between souls. When we experience sadness, we share in a common suffering. It is one of the few times when people allow themselves to be truly vulnerable. It is a time when our culture allows us to be completely honest about how we feel."
"But maybe we need to move these moments into everyday life—and to understand their evolutionary underpinnings. We’re living, famously, through a time in which we have trouble connecting with others. And Keltner’s work shows us that sadness—Sadness, of all things!—has the power to create the “union between souls” that we so desperately lack." - Susan Cain from her book Bittersweet
I hope this instalment of Future You has sparked some inspiration. If so, please do share it with a friend or colleague who could also find it useful.
Let’s continue the conversation. If you have any resources or suggestions to add to communicating for connection, I’d love to hear them in the comments below.
Best,
SJ
Thank you for putting together a wonderful list of resources. I love deep conversations and I am always willing to be vulnerable. It is challenging when people are only willing to engage in surface-level communication. My son is autistic and struggles with navigating conversations. We might need to book a movie date for Inside Out!
SJ! This was so rich! Such a deep dive. I’m feeling inspired and fed. And I’m putting Inside Out 2 on my watchlist. And pebbling!! I love having a name for this way of communicating and knowing where it comes from! 🐧 🙏💛