Edition 18
Reframing failure
I spent most of May travelling. Which always sounds more appealing than the reality. A classic Capricorn, too much travel always knocks me for six - sending the pillars of my hard-won habits scattering like ten-pins when you score a strike.
Despite best intentions and considered plans, I struggle to keep my 6am wake-ups, morning routine, writing, exercise and healthy eating on track. Derailed and disappointed, I return to face the uphill battle of reinstating my routine - feeling like I’m back at square one.
In a similar vein, the end of June can bring mixed emotions. Halfway through the year, maybe you’re not where you had hoped or planned to be.
All too easy to feel like a failure for falling short of your (potentially lofty) goals, before you brand yourself with the F word, stop and consider what that actually means.
The reality is there is no such thing as going back to square one.
Life often reminds me of a game of Snakes and Ladders, moving in fits and spurts. Four steps forward, two steps back - but rarely are we ever truly back to where we started. Progress may not be linear, but usually, we learn something from our forward surges, which remain with us after we dust ourselves off from a backward slide.
This month I have been contemplating the idea that your best looks different each day. The spectrum of failure and success is not black and white, and the all-or-nothing thinking we often use to measure it is entirely unhelpful.
As they say, there are many ways to skin a cat and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If something isn’t working or you’re not achieving the results you want, rather than berating yourself or viewing it as a failure, take the lessons and be creative about how you can adjust your efforts to better set yourself up for success.
All this has led me to realise that failure, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
IMPLEMENT: Shifting success
So many of us fear failure and yet we set ourselves up for it all the time. A seasoned pro myself, some common tactics include over-ambitious or unsustainable goals, an all-or-nothing mindset and speaking to myself badly (as if I wasn’t already feeling bad enough).
Returning from my recent travels, it dawned on me that rather than assessing every day by the same rigid standards (which I rarely live up to) perhaps the problem wasn’t so much my performance but how I was measuring it.
Instead of focusing on what I hadn’t done, I started congratulating myself for what I had achieved at the end of each day. Unsurprisingly, this subtle mindset shift was far more motivating. Focusing on the positive provided a sense of momentum that encouraged me to keep making progress, no matter how small.
Rather than resisting it, I began to lean into the fact that no day is the same, adopting a more fluid view of what success looks like. Prompted by a question from James Clear in his 3-2-1 newsletter, I asked myself which unit of measurement was most important each day - further cementing that each day comes with its own needs and requires its own plan to meet those needs.
I recently attended a leadership breakfast where the Senior Vice President being interviewed about her career said ‘You can do everything but not at the same time. And actually, by not doing it at the same time you can focus more and do a better job.’
So stop trying to do everything each day. Narrow your focus to what is most important for today. And if you don’t achieve it all, congratulate yourself for the progress you did make and move on. The good news is that tomorrow is a new day.
WATCH: Failure doesn’t exist
Shout out to Tim Ferris for unearthing this old clip of Kobe Bryant in one of his 5-Bullet Friday emails. In four minutes, Bryant shoots wisdom like he did hoops, sharing that he plays the game to ‘figure things out’ and ‘learn something’.
Highlighting the importance of staying in the moment, he debunks failure as a figment of your imagination, asking ‘Seriously, what does failure mean?’
Relating failure to happy endings, Bryant calls bullshit pointing out that the story continues. ‘If you fail on Monday, the only way it’s a failure on Monday is if you decide to not progress from there.’ A powerful lesson that so long as you are learning you’re not ‘failing’ it reminds me of something shared in a Peloton class I recently took: F.A.I.L. stands for First Attempt In Learning.
DO TRY THIS AT HOME: See the better side
The end of June can come with mixed emotions about how quickly the year is flying past, especially if you’re not where you hoped to be with your resolutions or goals or already feeling exhausted when it’s not even July!
As we know, negativity breeds more negativity, and it can be hard to pull yourself back up when you’re feeling down. The good news is, the same is true on the flip side - with positivity attracting positive energy and thoughts.
I recently learnt a cool fact - from the side of my Lululemon yoga block nonetheless - The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time, choose a positive thought. I found this quite a relief, that all I had to do to drive out the negative was pick a positive to focus on instead.
Struggling to see the better side or the glass as half-full? The good news is there really is always something to be grateful for. Or, if you prefer, things could always be worse. The majority of us are not living in war-torn countries or sleeping rough, so already we have two BIG gratitudes.
Perhaps a more positive spin on things, another trick I picked up from Calm and added to my toolkit is the gratitude countdown. Starting at 10, you quickly countdown in your head listing off things you are grateful for. By the time you get to zero, you’ll have 10 positive thoughts that you can focus on instead of that negative one!
READ: Some suggestions for Summer
Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
I loved this book so much I didn’t want it to end. And so I eeked out the chapters - containing myself to consuming it one Tuesday at a time.
A true story based on Mitch Albom reconnecting with his favourite college professor, Morrie Schwartz, in the last months of his life, it bottles up the wisdom that becomes all too clear when it is often too late for us to do much with it. Presented as their final ‘class’ the book is Morrie’s legacy to the world, based on his belief that ‘once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.’
First published over 26 years ago, it goes to show that despite constant change, the big themes in life are timeless. There was one line that encapsulated it all for me: ‘Once you get your fingers in the important questions, you can’t turn away from them.’
This beautifully written book raises all the important questions and will leave you a changed version of yourself.
Somehow: Thoughts on Love - Anne Lamont
My Mum has encouraged me to read Anne Lamont’s work for years. In a full circle moment, after reading her latest release, I enjoyed it so much that I gifted it to her for (Aussie) Mother’s Day.
Lamont is a beautiful writer, weaving her own life experience into each chapter to bring her wisdom and thoughts on love alive. Far from an easy life, Lamont doesn’t shy away from her truth, bravely showing up as her unfiltered and authentic self.
Tackling one of the most important topics in life, Somehow brims with insightful wisdom on what it means to be human and how love is an experience far broader than we often realise.
Right Thing, Right Now - Ryan Holiday
If you’re a regular Future You reader, you will know how much I reference the Stoics in my work, largely, Ryan Holiday’s work translating their ancient wisdom for modern life.
I have read and highly recommend his entire Stoic series of books from The Daily Stoic - which I have started every morning with for 10+ years - to his most recent series on the four virtues of Stoicism.
Following on from Courage is Calling and Discipline is Destiny, the much anticipated third instalment Right Thing, Right Now was released two weeks ago. Based on the thinking that if we do what is right, everything else will follow, for the ancients, everything worth pursuing in life flowed from a strong sense of justice—or one's commitment to doing the right thing, no matter how difficult.
Sound wisdom for maximising success, I can’t wait to read this.
PONDER:
“ …if you have a fear of failure, you’re never going to learn how to cook. Cooking is one failure after another. That’s how you learn. You’ve got to have what the French call ‘Je m’en foutisme’, or ‘I don’t care what happens.’ The sky can fall, and omelettes can go all over the stove… If you’re not going to be ready to fail, you’re not going to learn.” – Julia Child
That's it for this month. I hope this instalment of Future You has sparked some inspiration. If so, please do share it with a friend or colleague who could also find it useful.
I’d love to hear what’s on your reading list this summer (or winter) in the comments below.
Best,
SJ
A useful collection of practical wisdom. I may close off the year with a (self-centred) gratitude list :)